In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do.
I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He’s lazy, bygoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him”. The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.
Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No, sir!
But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender! Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir, with my life!”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer: Do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes, sir, I do!”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes, sir!”
Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with the same officers?”
A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the Court Complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.